E3 2018, Day Three: The Square Enix Conference

Let's get to it.

Summaries:

• Shadow of the Tomb Raider: Meh. It's more of the same, with Lara doing shit real women can't do without superpowers, so I'll just wait for a sale or a giveaway. Eidos Montreal still doesn't get this property. At least the Sourcemaker porn crews will have fresh assets to work with.
• FF14 Stormblood Patch: It's FF 14. I'll punt this over to those actually playing to comment.
• Captain Spirit: Not Life Is Strange 2, but just as shit. Rancid motherfuckers like this need to be dragged out, beaten into a pulp, and then drawn and quartered before a live audience. I am sick and fucking tired of storytellers wanting to make movies shitting up the gaming world. FUCK OFF YOU FAILURES!
• Dragon Quest 11: If it is as good as Ni No Kuni 2, it'll be a pickup on sale. Otherwise, meh.
• Babylon's Fall: Pretty trailer. Now tell me something important, like how it plays.
• Nier Automata: You already know this is the shit. Now with additional platform options and extras added.
• Octopath Traveler: For all your FF Tactics needs.
• Just Cause 4: Already commented. Goof potential is high.
• The Quiet Man: Deaf vigilante. Snore.
• Kingdom Hearts 3: 10 years too late.
• And that's all folks.

No long address. No hype machine. Just a few featured intros, and then a massive trailer machine. You can't win E3 this way, but you can't lose either. They still don't get why Lara Croft is popular and loved, and they would rather ride or die on the strength of their trailers than their public speaking skills. 30 minutes in total, and no Metro City Boys show to go with it, so enjoy Mister Metokur instead.