Monday, June 12, 2017

Ubisoft & Sony's E3 2017 Conferences: Bore Me Some More!

As with yesterday, I'm posting my takes on both conferences in a single post. Ubisoft is first, so I'll update after Sony's conference concludes. Yes, with a catchy subtitle too.


  • A Switch exclusive collaboration with Nintendo? Okay. A kid-friendly X-Com clone? Okay. "Mario+Rabbids Kingdom Battle". Okay. Bring out Miyamoto to shill for it? That works. Good luck.
  • Assassin's Creed: Origins. Still got that WE WUZ KANGZ! vibe, and there is no gameplay. (That over-the-shoulder cringe is ass.) Genna Bain's take as "Witcher Creed" is not wrong.
  • South Park. "Fractured But Whole" due on Oct. 17th. Phone game will be Pay To Win and aptly named "Phone Destroyer".
  • The Crew 2. Motorsports all the things! Be Fast & Furious! Social media all the things! Watch us crash and burn!
  • Elijah Woods does VR horror. Got Night Trap vibes. NOPE! Nope nope nope.
  • Skull & Bones. Let's turn Assassin's Creed 4's pirate play into a full game, off-brand, and full of PVP. Snore.
  • Just Dance 2018. Nope.
  • Starlink: Battle for Atlas. A Switch game that's Pay To Win due to needing plastic toy crap with dongle functionality that's totally not SF versus Warcraft's Burning Legion. No, really. Nope.
  • Steep: 2018 Olympics. Already a failure, as it's not going to attract the users. The first game is dead as it is.
  • Far Cry 5. "They cut off cel service, the roads, and Internet access." Yeah, that means no mail or fuel trade and therefore no tax revenue; the Feds would've gutted that cult within a week. NOPE!
  • Beyond Good & Evil 2. "This multi-cultural future" virtue-signaling, expected of Montreal shitlibs, made into a prequel of the original. NOPE!
  • Uplay is still a thing. DONE! Kill with fire.

Only the Nintendo collaboration is worthy of consideration. The actual South Park game has to deliver or it should be shit-canned. The AC game is a wait-for-deep-discount deal, assuming that gameplay isn't shit. The sports and music games are suck, ass and blow. Starlink is a sin against God and Man. The new Far Cry game has the most unbelievable premise for a Far Cry game, and that's noting the SF elements of the original. They politicized the Beyond prequel, and you can see the deleterious effects in the cutscene (no gameplay) shown. Aisha Tyler should be glad that she didn't host this conference; it gives EA's incompetence a run for its money.


  • Sony threw around the money in some big-dick swinging move. Not a good sign.
  • Uncharted 4's DLC appears again. Don't care.
  • Horizon Dawn DLC. Yawn.
  • Days Gone (to sleep, of boredom).
  • Finally! Something noteable! Monster Hunter World. 2018. Good thing this will be on PC.
  • A remake of Shadows of the Colossus? WHY?
  • Marvel vs. Capcom Infinite There's a story mode. Uh, okay.
  • The obligatory Call of Duty game. Back to World War 2. Back to Europe. Back to Just Being Americans. BORED. Play the original again.
  • VR Shilling: Skyrim, Starchild (a sidescroller?), The Impatient, FF15 fishing?, Bravo Team (meh), Moss (meh)
  • Dad of War! More story teasing. More spectacle fighting without a proper demo. Okay.
  • Detroit Become Human. The Choose Your Own Adventure book as a videogame that looks preachy as fuck. Pass.
  • Destiny 2. You know this already.
  • The Spider-Man tie-in game, which is a tweaked Arkham Asylum clone, but decently executed.

No Last of Us 2, no other Final Fantasy games (not 14, not 7, nothing at all), no other major Japanese franchises (and man but what's coming in the West is not looking that good from the AAA world; Japan, again, is eating your lunch). This was nothing more than a Trailer Park event, and a boring one at that. Monster Hunter was the only game I had any interest in; there's some curiosities, and the rest can go hang from a yardarm.

Oh, almost forgot!

The PC Gamer show was today. Let me summarize: Shilling! Shit You Don't Care About! Games You Already Decided To Buy (or not)! More Shilling! Repeat until asleep or it's over. Way to solve my sleep problems, Day9.

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