Saturday, June 10, 2017

EA's 2017 E3 Conference: The Cure for Insomnia

I expected EA to disappoint, and I am disappointed that EA somehow managed to disappoint my expectation of disappointment. That's a level of suck, blow, and fail that takes a committee to accomplish.

The sports segment was, for the most part, the conference. Outside of the sports games, we got a new Need For Speed game that really wants to be a Fast & Furious movie, a mandatory co-op game that might as well be (and would be better as) a Telltale title, Battlefield 1 getting an expansion, and Star Wars: Battlefront 2 revealing to be the previous game's gameplay with more pointless options and eras.

The corporates were boring and lifeless on stage, and the professionals were just better enough to show the difference that training and practice makes in public speaking. Hell, they managed to make Star Wars boring. That's a massive fail.

Speaking of which, that multiplayer footage? It's fucking Walker Assault reskinned with the new class system. Nothing of any substance changed in terms of gameplay. Aircraft still suck balls on ground-focused maps, Heroes still make you want to die, and there is nothing to make teamwork mean shit. Nice job fucking it up, EA. You're swell.

And that "reveal" of BioWare's new IP and game? A fucking teaser. No actual trailer. No gameplay. Not even some backcovery copy. Just an implied Mech v. Kaiju game, some story mode most gamers will not give a fuck about, and that's it. Some other conference is supposed to deliver the goods, in which case you shouldn't have said shit at all today.

Instead, more time and substantive information on the new research wing. (Research. Hah.) "SEED" and their "we want to seek out the best play experiences imaginable" would be great if it wasn't EA, where I am certain that useless diversity hires (and other SJWs) will be diverted into sinecures instead of being summarily executed and tossed into rubbish bins like they ought to for Crimes Against Humanity.

Here's a hint, EA: you can find all of the practical ludology you could ever use online, for free, in gaming blogs. Stop bullshitting us; we know you fuckers in Corporate don't care, and your SJW deadweight wouldn't let you even if you did, so you're lying to us. Stop that. I don't need more disincentive to not buy your stuff.

No comments:

Post a Comment