My Life As A Gamer: The Pre-Show Is Here

Today is when the fun begins. First, let me dump the shows today--and there's a lot--on you before I give my takes. You'll see them after the jump.

That's a lot of stuff.

Gurella Collective's second show is much better than the first, but so far little stood out to me. A lot of it is "Like (Famous Classic) but with (Gimmick)", and the industry is littered with the corpses of gimmicky knockoffs of classics, and no being a snarky parody doesn't change a damned thing; it just increases the sound of nails on a chalkboard. As I write this, nothing I saw stuck out enough to get me to remember the name. The fact that this is also a show that stretched out its content over too long a time span--it could have shown all that mattered in an hour or less--shows that the audience's time, the customer's time, is not being respected. Never a good sign.

Wholesome Games and E3 itself went at the same time, but E3 fucked up and so Wholesome had about a half-hour to themselves. The good thing? Keep it moving; come in, tell me a name, show me the game, get out and get on with it. The bad? Not a single thing stuck out other than Tasomachi; lots of toys and narrative pretentious bullshit, and not many actual games. Nothing stuck out. One major offense: advterising for a NGO. NGO are notorious fronts for criminal activity and human rights violations--often in the exact field they claim to oppose--so whenever I see ads for them I take exception and the entire organization shilling for them becomes suspect, moreso if other Red Flags pop up.

As for the ESA E3 show, my expectations were low. They could have--should have--just put together a tightly-editted supercut instead of this liveshow bullshit, but NOOOO. Morons. Ever worse? E3 next year will return to being in-person in Los Angeles. WHY? It's easier and cheaper to do all of this from home. There is no good argument in favor of running the showcase in a damned convention hall. "But I want to see my friends!" If you can't be bothered to get off your bitch asses and go see people you like without needing to tie it to some other thing, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. They're are your drinking buddies, con hookups, and other bullshit excuse for needless in-person interaction and travel. And if I were running things, it would also be grounds for your summary termination if you dared whine like that to me.

Ubisoft? Well, my expectations were also low going in. They also decided that they just had to do a standard TV presentation when they could have done it cheaper and easier from home. Morons.

• Rainbow 6, using Siege as its base, decided to do I Can't Believe It's Not Left 4 Dead blended with the Zerg. Bored. Also, stupid; any biohazard scenario that doesn't put you into armored NBC suits is not done competently by the developer, and that's the case here. On the other hand, clear win and loss conditions with clear objectives make this a real game. Siege itself has more seasonal stuff coming, of course.
• Oh, look, Rocksmith. A useful toy, but still a toy and not a game, and I'd appreciate calling what it is.
• Riders Republic. Racing is reliable.
• More For Honor, more Watch Dogs Legion, TMNT in Brawlhalla, Trackmania map editor, Crew 2 addons, more Ghost Recon Breakpoint stuff, more Just Dance stuff.
• More AC Valhalla stuff. "We're adding one-handed swords!" That was not in at launch? INCOMPETENCE! Siege of France as DLC.
• Film and TV bullshit that has no place in a showcase at a VIDEO GAME CONFERENCE.
• Far Cry 6 segment. Using the villain in a set piece to sell the game. Still no actual gameplay shown. Therefore, I do not care and no one else that respects themselves will either; games are about gameplay, not narrative or cinematics, and it is long past time to militantly insist on it from merchants selling games. Season Pass is a Greatest Hits as Mindfuck.
• Mario X Rabbids again. Somone other than me will care, and it is likely going to be decent because Nintendo has a say.
• At least they're ending on time, more or less. Ending with a game based on, and licensed from, Cameron's Avatar. Also, Ubisoft Plus subscription bullshit.

Minimal expections met. They managed to not shit the bed.

IGN's show? Also low going in. They're also managing to not shit the bed because they do in-betweener stuff to keep people engaged between the real shows. Nothing that matters is said here. You can safely ignore it.

Devolver Digital is dead to me so long as they simp for Anita Sarkesian. I don't care how good (or not) their games are; not a single penny goes to people that hate me. Until this changes, the only way a Devolver game gets into my hands is if it's a giveaway or it falls off a truck.

Gearbox continues to give Ashley Burch work. They hate me, so they are also dead to me and get no money for the same reason. The same clause for Devolver applies here.

And now, a rant.

*breathes*

If you cannot win, cannot lose, and have nothing to contest THEN YOU DO NOT HAVE A GAME! (Yes, all sports are games; not all games are sports, as sports require athetic ability whereas games do not.) A lot of what is fraudulently--and yes, I do mean "fraudulently", as in "Motherfuckers should be shot for stealing your time and money for this bullshit they're passing off"--called a game is really, AT BEST, a toy and they should be sold as toys. You would be shocked to find how many people would be perfectly fine with pay real money for virtual toys that are properly labelled as toys, so stop being pussy faggot bitches and put the right label on your products.

As for those that don't even measure up to being toys, you motherfuckers need to be beaten until you stop passing bullshit in the wrong medium. All of the crap you pushed to date needs to be expunged from all fronts that you shit up to date, and nothing thereafter admitted that doesn't mean that basic fundamental definition of what a game is.

It is long overdue to start pushing back against the entryists in gaming and they succeed by deliberately warping what "game" means. It's too late to be anything other than insistent and militant. We have a working, confirmable definition of what a game is. It is time to enforce it, good and hard, and drive out everything and everyone that does not conform- and that will drive out all but a handful of Death Cultists and their Leonard enablers. Save or Die, motherfuckers.