My Life As A Gamer: Now The Big Boys Show Up

E3 showcases continue today. XBox and Bethesda are first. Then Square Enix, the PC Gaming Show, and ending with The Future Gaming Show.

XBox/Bethesda

• Intro shpiel goes into Starfield, space adventure game announced years ago. November 11th, 2022. XBox Exclusive. No gameplay; just a teaser. Brand new IP.
• Still doing TV-style presentation instead of doing it cheaper and easier from home like real people livestreaming do. Bad shill! BAD! BAD! *sprays water*
• STALKER 2. XBox and PC. April 28th, 2022 release. Long trailer actually shows gameplay; looks to focus on what worked and refine it, which is a good sign.
• Back 4 Blood will be on XBox. Same as been seen elsewhere in terms of trailers. Still don't care.
• Console exclusive. Open World Co-Op. Boomer-Era game. Contraband. No gameplay shown. Do not care.
• Sea of Thieves trailer. FFS, they added Jack Sparow. Give it up already with the lame IP licensing from Pirates of the Caribean. Sucktastic.
• Yakuza: Like a Dragon for Game Pass, available now. Because of course.
• Battlefield 2042. Because of course it'll be on XBox and Game Pass.
• Some lame time loop movie bullshit.
• Psychonaunts sequel. August. Actually gameplay shown. Okay.
• 12 more Bethesda and ID games go on Game Pass, including DOOM Eternal. Okay.
• Fallout 76 segment. Brotherhood of Steel civil war. The Pitt. Still don't care.
• Eldar Scrolls Online segment. New expansion just launched. Enhanced console client this week. Narrative conclusion later this year. I'd care if I played; enjoy ESO fans.
• Console launch of Party Animals, or "Smash for Furries".
• Hades to console on August 13th.
• Somerville. Adventure game ala This War of Mine or Limbo. Atmospheric.
• Halo Infinite multiplayer goes Free To Play and cross-platform. Good, I think.
• Diablo II Remastered releases September 23rd this year. Wasn't expected that, but okay, if you still give Blizzard money.
• Plague Tale Requiem. Okay. First game was all right.
• Far Cry 6. Actual gameplay shown. October 7th release. I may Wish List it for luls at this point.
• Slime Rancher 2. More of the same. Enjoy.
• Shredders. More Extreme Snowboarding stuff. Fine for those that dig it.
• Atomic Heart. Retro-Future, maybe Russian. First person w/ cinematics. Feels like a Bioshock game.
• Replaced. 2022. Side-scroller. Feels like Mother Russia Bleeds.
• Grounded expansion. I forgot this game existed. That forgettable. Still that forgettable.
• Among Us update will include console clients.
• Eiyuden Chronicle. Weebshit RPG fans will be happy, and that means I may find it entertaining, though I am inclined to use PC or Switch for this. 2022 and 2023, as there are two titles.
• The Ascent. Isometric multiplayer shooter.
• Age of Empires IV. 'Nuff said.
• Console exclusive. Comedy. Parody. Snarky shit. 4th Wall breaking. The Outer Worlds 2, so it should be good and actually funny.
• Flight Simulator coming to console. GOOD. No joke. That is GOOD. New Top Gun movie tie-in. Not so good.
• Forza. It's Forza. You know what to expect. Set in Mexico. Stunt demo with devs and a cast member involved.
• I Can't Believe It's Not Left 4 Dead, Not-Buffy Edition: Redfall. Exclusive.

Commentary: An overall inoffensive show, but nonetheless showcasing creative bankruptcy. If we didn't get literal sequels and expansions, we got knockoffs a plenty along with a few totally-not-games. This is still a win for XBox and Bethesda, as they've shat the bed badly in past years and this showcase is proof of improvement over those past outings, but an improvement swiftly moving into a plateau.

There is only one actual new IP that promises to be something new, Starfield, and we'll see if that promise pans out by this time next year. The rest, aside from Flight Simulator, are at best forgettable blockbusters or arrivals from former exclusives on other platforms. They're still the perennial #3, but given Sony's recent downturn and Nintendo's rise that may not remain the case much longer.

On to the Square Enix show.

• Mercer's off-camera as MC. So this is more like a Nintendo Direct. GOOD.
• Guardians of the Galaxy. Like the Avengers game, so off-model from MCU, but otherwise similar. Expect a similar reception and result. Good job, Eidos Montreal. All you had to do is give the audience what they saw on the movie screen, but NOOOO. They don't look or sound like the MCU, and the shown cinematics read like script rejects of previous media remade as fan-fic. This will crash, and it will deserve to crash. HARD. PASS.
• Final Fantasy 1-6 and Legend of Mana remasters for current gen consoles. Okay. On Steam, so I'll see about playing them and it'll be for Switch so good for mobile.
• Speaking of the fake Avengers, more of that bullshit is coming. HARD. PASS. STILL.
• Mobile trash. Do not care. Should be purged as Tech Heresy.
• Babylon's Fall. By the Nier Automatia team. "Live-service" is not a good sign.
• Life Is Strange not-a-fucking-game-assholes bullshit. HARD. PASS.
• Final Fantasy Origin: Stranger of Paradise, or "I Can't Believe It's Not Devil May Cry. Done by the guy behind the FF7 Remake, so it will suck."

Commentary: The Direct format is a point in their favor. Aside from the SJW bullshit soaking up too much time, it's fine. However, we got no additional info on Final Fantasy XVI and only a passing mention of the new expansion for XIV; the latter is forgivable due to it getting its own event a month ago. Everything else we saw was a trash fire, aside from Babylon's Fall and maybe the FF/LoM remasters. Result? They didn't shit the bed in presentation, but what they presented did. A good show for a big nothingburger, so it's below XBox/Bethesda.

On to The PC Gaming Show.

• A lot of stuff already announced in other shows will be available on PC, usually via Steam or XBox Game Pass (e.g. Payday 3), so this won't be exhaustive or have much AAA attention given.
• They still have all the cringy cheese bullshit going on. FFS, you people really have no clue how to do this shit STILL.
• Naraka Bladepoint. Weebshit Battle Royale.
• Fuck GEForce Now.
• Some Dodgeball game that I don't care about.
• Humble Bundle's giveaway of CIV6 is a bitch move. Don't give discounts for events like this; GIVE THE GAME AWAY YOU CHEAP FAGGOTS!
• Mechwarrior 5 Mercenaries-themed PC giveaway, likely with fuck-you/give-data involved.
• Chivalry II segment. Okay.
• Dying Light 2 segment. Not my thing, but not necessarily bad. Loredump. Ignoring; you can clip it from the archive and repost or rewatch later.
• The food fight game I don't care about that got announced yesterday, Rawmen.
• Humankind. Obnoxious Brit chick is in the game. Nope.
• They Always Run. Sidescrolling shooter and platformer. Okay.
• Orcs Must Die 3. More of the same. Good. First two are solid tower defense games.
• Vampire: The Masquerade, Swan Song. No gameplay, not a Battle Royale.
• Giga-Blast. Kaiju do Smash, isometic.
• Lemnis Gate. Timefuckery FPS bullshit, like Deathloop.
• Kerbal Space Program with model rockets. NOPE.
• War Tales. RPG. Historical. Inoffensive, so far. Could suck.
• Ixion. Space exploration and colonization management game. Fake and gay Climate Change bullshit. Moon blows up. NO GAMEPLAY SHOWN. Suspect.
• Far Changing Tide. Pretty, but looking vapid right now as no substantive info given.
• Lakeburg Legacies. Some Jane Austin bullshit. Not a game. PASS.
• Killing Floor 2 update.
• MW5: Mercs segment. Shill segement, as they're a sponsor.
• I Can't Believe It's Not Limbo, Underwater: Silt.
• The "gonna break and enter into a private house Because Plot" game again. (Hello Neighbor 2)
• Jurassic World Evolution 2. Nothing notable here, as it was already covered.
• New Blood segement. Expansions and derivatives of existing properties. Only new game is Gloomwood, "Thief with Guns".
• Gaben. Demo expo on Steam this coming week; go there to look them up.
• Soultice. She-Guts does a Berserk.
• Actual hardware. Gloves that improve brain signal reception. New wheel base for a driving wheel peripheral. High-end PC in a tablet format; GIMME. 32 in' monitor w/ backlight.
• Chaos Gate, the new 40K game about Grey Knights. Same trailer as GW debuted on the 3rd. Failure of PR right there.
• Another Russian post-disaster shooter. Pioner.
• EVE segment. Do not care.
• Lumberhill. Derivative.
• Arboria. Dungeon looter. Meh.
• Some Cal Arts Pikmin ripoff. HARD PASS.
• Chernobylite. Okay.
• Some Kickstarter bullshit I refuse to name.
• Icarus. Game type unclear.
• Mecha Jammer. Isometric game. Okay.
• Wandering Village. Pretty. Vapid on info. May suck.
• Deathtrash shown again, because of course it's on Steam.
• Songs of Conquest, for the Might & Magic crowd.
• Citizen Sleeper. SNOOZE.
• Some Boomer shooter. Snooze.

Commentary: This show sucked ass, like it ususally does. Much of what was shown was mediocre or unfinished. We had one actual Kickstarter project--not even a finished or nearly-finished game--on the docket, and that is nothing more than high-tier grifting; that group should be hanged as thieves on principle over this bullshit. Another round of knockoffs and ripoffs on show, again showing the dearth of creativity in this business. F-Tier, PC Gamer. Back in the trash, where you belong.

On to the Future Games show:

• Bailey and Baker have Punchy Faces.
• Generic Open World PS Game with dinos. Yawn.
• Some settlement game I don't care about.
• Some girly shit I don't care about.
• The Jeff Goldblum dino game. You know what I mean.
• Demos. Just hit up Steam, GOG, or whatever.

Fuck this show. I thought PC Gamer was F-Tier? No, they actually had a show. This is "Demos! Shit you already saw!" THIS is F-Tier.

And with that, we're done. No, I don't care what else was on the Future Games show after the demo bullshit. I'm out for the day. More tomorrow, where more Big Boys show up and try not to biff it and shit the bed like SE did.