Sunday, June 9, 2019

E3 2019, Day One

After the disaster that was EA's event yesterday--half the audience leaving as soon as the sports started--I'm looking forward to more trainwrecks from the conferences this year. As with last year, the format is this: I post early to get it up and edit it over the day as each one comes out, providing my commentary as I watch each one. Today we start with Microsoft at 3pm Central Time, and hopefully this won't be full of suck and blow. I'm watching the Twitch livestreams as they happen.

    Microsoft/XBox
    • Leading with Outer Worlds releasing October 29th.
    • Bleeding Edge, 4v4 melee game. For Honor and Borderlands hybrid sort of PVP game.
    • Ori sequel. February 11 2020. Looks good.
    • Minecraft Dungeons. Diablo clone. Xbox/PC. Spring 2020.
    • More Fallen Order sizzle. Snore.
    • Blair Witch by way of Alan Wake. Way late for that.
    • Cyberpunk 2077. Trailer. Suddenly, Keanu! Well, that changes things. Release April 16th, 2020. I'm in!
    • Spiritfairer. No opinion.
    • Battletoads returns at last.
    • Legend of Wright. Meh.
    • Sizzle reel of stuff I saw on Steam. Meh.
    • Lots of pushing of XBox Game Pass. Separate pass for PC. Combo w/ console and Gold for $15/mo.
    • New Flight Simulator? I'm interested.
    • Wasteland 3! Finally, so that's a second game I'm in for.
    • Double Fine joins XBox Game Studios? Please clean house and get read of Tim.
    • Psychonauts 2. No caring.
    • Lego Star Wars. No caring.
    • New DBZ RPG. 2020 release. Meh.
    • First non-game. HARD. PASS.
    • Way to the Woods. Nope.
    • Gears 5. No gameplay shown. Don't care. Releases around Labor Day. New game mode. Meh.
    • New controller. Okay.
    • Forza Horizon 4 expansion: Lego. Okay.
    • Gears mobile game. Fuck off and die.
    • Expansion for State of Decay 2. Okay.
    • Phantasy Star Online 2, FREE TO PLAY, for Xbox AND PC! I AM IN!
    • Crossfire X. Never heard of it.
    • Tales of Arise. Okay.
    • Borderlands 3. Still don't care.
    • Elden Ring. Okay. Show me more.
    • Remote Play for console. Next-Gen Console announced to maximize streaming usage. 2020 around XMas. Meh.
    • New console launches with new Halo game. Infinite.
    Bethesda
    • "We're gamers, like you. You matter." Good opening.
    • Todd's out. Tell me lies, Todd. Tell me sweet little lies.
    • The audience are plants. Fuck this.
    • No one cares about mobile game trash.
    • ES: Blades for Switch. Cross play with mobile. This game may be worth something now if it weren't for the microtransaction bullshit.
    • Fallout 76. Still a shitshow. Wastelanders fixes the game. Free expansion. This year. Battle Royale mode added. FUCK. THIS.
    • Ghostwire. I'm in. Also, ANIME IS REAL! MAI WAIFU! We have our Queen of E3, folks. Ikumi Nakamura.
    • ESO. Meh. Movie trailer is okay.
    • Commander Keen as mobile trash? No one asked for this crap. What a waste.
    • Fallout Shelter. More mobile trash. Do not care.
    • Whatever that fallout card game is. Meh.
    • Rage 2 expansion. Okay.
    • Wokenstein. VR expansion. Meh. Youngblood. Meh. Take it fallow for a fiver; this IP needs a rest.
    • Deathloop. Groundhog Day with guns. Snore.
    • Telling lies. Telling sweet little lies.
    • Orion. Whatever. Cloud shit.
    • Finally. Doom Eternal. November 22nd release.
    Devolver Digital
    • Robocop reference to start with. Suddenly we mindscaping.
    • Fall Guys. The game version of Takeshi's Castle.
    • Devolver Bootleg. BRILLIANT.
    • Carrion. Looks like fun.
    • Enter the Gungeon: House of the Gundead. Arcades. FUCK YES!
    • The Messenger gets an expansion.
    • My Friend Pedro. Releases in a few days.
    • The Discord callouts are hilarious. Also, Videodrome reference. And we Robocop again.
    • Terimator shoutout.
    • Still no Metal Wolf Chaos release date.
    • I am actually disappointed. Why you do dis, Devolver?

I wholly endorse this. Keanu, if she's actually married then I hope she's got a bestie or a sister just like her. This is the sweet girl every man longs for.

If you missed, the moment with an ordinary Japanese woman won the hearts of millions and became Queen of E3.

And Keanu's crowning moment of awesome, making him King of E3.

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